Epic Success!!

At 8:09 pm, on October 16th, Creation Ent. released the news that they were bringing a Supernatural Con to Atlanta, close to where I live (or closer than any of their other freaking cons!), in October of 2016, and it began…

The plotting, the planning, the list making… LOLZ!

Emily wants to come out to Atlanta for the con and her and I and her husband are going to share a hotel room at the absolutely AMAZING hotel that the Con is being held in, and we’ve already got a DELUXE room reserved, thanks to a really wonderful girl at the hotel who helped me out when I called to ask about making reservations, because I expect rooms to sell out fast for the Con, and the sooner I got on that shit, the better.

We’re putting a deposit down today for the room, so this shit is for realz, yo!

WE ARE GOING TO ATLCON!!!!!!! WHOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

I’m just scared a bit shitless because, well, 2016 seems to be a year I’m going to be doing a lot of traveling… And therefore, having to spend a lot of money… Money I don’t know where is going to come from…

First off, there’s my Seattle trip in March. where I may or may not attend SeaCon (due to attending AltCon later in the year)… I could get a lower cost package for SeaCon, one without autographs, but one that still allows me to attend the concerts of the Con, and I would still want that Jensen photo-op, but I just can’t resist… But it’s still $440, just for THAT stuff. Sigh. And then, I will be attending Sakura Con, which is either a $55-70 ticket, depending on when I buy it. And then we may end up staying in a hotel during Sakura Con, which is another cost. And then there’s still me needing money for just food and activities and souvenirs and stuff like that out there… I can’t expect my friend who is flying me out there to foot my ENTIRE bill, and I WOULDN’T expect that, EVER! She’s doing MORE than enough for me as it is! Sigh. 😦

And then there’s an Always Keep Fighting Group Meet Up that Emily planned (and that I’ve kinda sorta been helping her with) in Lawrence, Kansas (where the Winchester Brothers from Supernatural are from!) for a couple days in August. Accommodations should be relatively cheap (staying in modernized cabins in a local state park), but we have to provide all our own food, plus transport to and from the park, not to mention transport to Kansas itself (which means a plane ticket for me), and then if we have to pay for any little activities we may end up doing or if we choose to buy a commemorative t-shirt or not. Sigh.

And then, there’s AtlCon. I want to get a GOOD package for that one, with a Misha autograph and a Misha photo-op and of course, another Jensen photo-op. Also, there’s the hotel price to think of and plane ticket and food money and souvenir money and transport to the hotel from the airport and vice versa…

I know I need to get a job, but at the same time, there’s not really a whole lot I can do due to my fibro.

But if it’s what I gotta do to get to AtlCon, then it’s what I gotta do, because I’m going, come Hell or high water! Emily and I will unite at this SPN Con and be GLORIOUS TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!! I am SO EXCITED, not just for the Con and meeting Jensen and the cast and all of that, but to finally meet HER! And to get to spend time with her! *squee*

AtlCon is going to be AMAZE-BALLS and I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT!!!!! I really hope I can make SeaCon too, as well as the AKF Meet Up, but if not…well, I’ve always got Atlanta to look forward to. 😀

And don’t forget about my giveaway! Giving away Halloween scrapbooking supplies!!!

Halloween Scrapbooking Giveaway Celebrating One Month of Existence

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Fiffty Shades of Meh

This is my 50th post! Hurrah!!!

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!)

I can’t believe I’ve already posted 50 times on here! That seems both crazy and not crazy to me at the same time! Lolz!

But…yeah…I KNOW I promised that TODAY WOULD BE THE DAY that I would vlog about that damn SPN episode but I just…can’t…

I barely have the energy to stay awake to sit here and write this, let alone make a vlog and talk and ramble about something and be all peppy and shit. I just can’t do it today, guys. I’m sorry. 😦 I feel terrible about it, but I will hopefully be able to get around to it tomorrow, or, at the latest maybe, Wednesday and make my Winchester Wednesday this week special by vlogging about last week’s epi. Haha! 😉

Cleaning my room just REALLY took it’s toll on me. I am feeling it, man. And I’m also dealing with some other health issues that are a BIT more personal and I WOULD share, but that would probably be TMI for most of you, so I’ll just keep it to myself. LOLZ. So those issues are not helping things in any regard whatsoever. They only add to the craptastic factor.

So I’ve got fibro flaring up on top of other health issues being bitches and it’s just all not good right now. I have absolutely zero energy. I give absolutely zero fucks about the world today. Lolz.

I took a nap though, and feel a bit better, even though it’s after 7:30 now. Haha. Oops. Oh well. *shrugs*

Dinner time and soap opera! And my mom got some (semi) good news today! She doesn’t have to work 12 hour days anymore! She (ONLY) has to work 10 hour days starting tomorrow! *headdesk* At least it’s 2 hours less than before, because that was killing her, and I hate for her to be more stressed than she ABSOLUTELY has to be.

But I just gotta give a shout out (holla!) to Pepi for sharing SUPER AWESOME blog scheduling documents that my mom printed out for me and also for something that she’s alerted me that’s she’s going to be doing for me and I’m so flattered and overwhelmed and grateful and appreciative. She’s a wonderful girl. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ I LOVEZ YOU PEPI!!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Also have to give another shout out (HOLLA!) to my AKF/SPN friend Ronni, who I sent a card to, and she sent me something in return that I just received today!

I love it all! She’s so awesome! And she’s right! I do have a “bit” of a rebellious streak in me! Hehe! I mean, I AM going to dye my hair pink! 😉 And have ideas for tats and other things I want that would make me appear “rebellious” in nature. Haha! Ronni’s just awesome!

Welp, I’m going to go prepare myself to go BACK to sleep, even though I just woke up like an hour and a half ago. HAHA! 😉 Good night all!

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Celtic Knot Tat, Cleaning, & Tired As Fuck

So…Supernatural Sunday isn’t happening either… My mom isn’t working the weekends anymore, so I don’t have “alone time” in the dining room where my laptop and my “work” space is stationed, so it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow, when both my mother and sister will be at work/school.

So tomorrow will me Supernatural-ly Magical Manic Mandy Monday! 😉

And speaking of Supernatural, I’ve decided I want to get an anti possession tattoo that’s a LITTLE different than what the boys have in the show. I want an endless knot instead of a pentagram, because I think my father would be less likely to have a fucking heart attack if I had an endless Celtic knot tatted on me as opposed to “the sign of the devil”. Lol. Let me show you pictures!

(I want the outside ring of this…)

(Encircling the outside ring of this…)

(With this in the middle of the two rings!)

Haven’t decided on if I want it all in black or in different colors or (k)not (ahahahahaha!), but I’ve got plenty of time to decide. 😉

I’m a little ashamed of myself, though, because I backed down against my father not only in not getting a pentagram tattoo but also because… I took my anti possession necklace off for when he came over and hid all my hair dying stuff so he wouldn’t see it and flip out… But see, I didn’t do it because I give a flying FUCK what HE thinks about any of it… I did it so my MOTHER doesn’t have to have abused heaped upon her about it and have to endure listening to us scream at each other the whole time he’s here. I did it all because SHE asked me to. I did it out of RESPECT for HER. NOT for HIM.

But my dad told me last night he’s going to try to get me a decent laptop sometime between now and Christmas, but he’s getting my sister one first because I already have this little Chromebook for myself. That’s very generous of him, but I’m afraid of the strings that will come attached to it, the “I bought this/paid for this for you, so you HAVE to LOVE me and DO WHATEVER I SAY AND WANT” shit that he likes to pull with us. Sigh.

And then, he says he had 13 houses to do pest control on today, because he’s an exterminator who owns his own business and he’s really good at what he does, he’s just fucking lazy and doesn’t go to work anymore. Like, today. He mentioned those 13 houses. Then my mom and him go outside, and when they come back inside, my mom announces that they are “going to go riding”, and I’m just like “what the fuck??” because he NEEDS to be working! How the fuck is he supposed to PAY for ANYTHING if he’s not DOING anything? I don’t understand… *headdesk*

And I don’t know what wild bug crawled up my ass, but I TOTALLY felt like doing something productive today in cleaning up my room and putting away all the clothes (basically ALL my clothes) that have been sitting in my suitcase piled up on top of each other and in a mesh hamper EVER SINCE I MOVED BACK IN WITH MY MOM OVER A YEAR AGO. Yeah…it was definitely time to get that shit straightened out. Especially as I want to go through it, find what I can wear, give away what is not fucked up that I can’t, toss out what is fucked up that I can’t, and keep what I REALLY REALLY love that I can’t wear right now in the hopes that one day I’ll be skinny enough to wear them again. Haha! I can dream, right? RIGHT?! 😉

Now you can actually WALK THROUGH MY ROOM! And I cleaned off some other stuff too, including my “work” space (aka the dining room table, haha!). I got it all organized and shit. It’s looking pretty sharp, in my opinion. 😉 What say you, oh people who live inside of my piece-of-shit Chromebook bought for me by my now-ex-fiance?

Inside of the box are my various colored pens and highlighters and markers and such. In the basket are all my journals and crafts and projects. The pile with the red book on top is my To-Do stuff and where I keep all my precious “lists”. Haha. 😉 The blue book underneath all of it is my sketchbook and it’s got my folder with all my tat ideas (that I’ve been able to print out so far) in it as well as my drawings and I tape my string knot creations to the front of the book when I make them (in the process of making an “Oil Slick” hair dying style inspired one right now).

But I think I’ve babbled enough. I’m absolutely WORN THE FUCK OUT from cleaning up my room and my work space and I just had dinner, so I need to rest and chill for the rest of the night. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of your night! See ya tomorrow! 😉

Oh! Also! Don’t forget about my giveaway! Giving away Halloween scrapbooking supplies to one lucky reader!

Halloween Scrapbooking Giveaway Celebrating One Month of Existence

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Pink Fetish, Miracle, New Groove

So….yeah…. Today was SUPPOSED to be Supernatural Saturday and I was SUPPOSED to do a vlog about the second episode….but….that’s gonna have to wait until tomorrow…. Lolz! I’m just too tired! My bee! So you’ll get “Supernatural Sunday” instead! 😉

Check this, yo!

Hellz…

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

I am DOING THIS SHIT!!!!!!

MANDY’S NEW GROOVE!!!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

My dad is going to be SO PISSED, but ya know what?

So there!

Mwahahahahahaha!

I was going to try and save this for after I got my hair cut, but….I don’t know if I can wait that long….because I REALLY want to do it….like….TONIGHT…. 😉

But….that looks like it won’t be happening….because the directions say to use “gloves” but they gave me NO GLOVES TO USE. *headdesk* And I’m totally pretty sure we don’t have any gloves of the kind required with which to dye hair in this house. Sigh. Plus, you have to lighten your hair first, and it says not to do that if your scalp is “broken”, and I KNOW my scalp is “broken” because I’ve been scratching it to the point where it’s been bleeding the past couple days. Sigh. So I’ll just have to lay off the scratching and be gentle when I do, and just hopefully be able to do this at another time SOON. Le sigh. *pouts* 😥

I also got this:

I was going to wait to show you guys all of this stuff in an entry I’m putting together entitled: Putting The “Girl” In “Fangirl”, but I am impatient. Lolz. I haven’t painted my nails yet to see if this stuff is any good or not. It’s a gel enamel top coat to put over other polishes (generally other GEL polishes, but I’m going to try putting it over regular polishes that I already have and see if it makes them last longer and keeps me from fucking them up so fast, haha!) and you don’t need and LED lamp to make it cure, it cures in natural light! Yahz!

Whenever I get around to not being so lazy and when my nails stop looking like shit because of breaking in weird ass ways, I’ll paint them and try this out. Lolz! I’m taking Nature’s Bounty Optimal Solutions Extra Strength Hair, Skin & Nails multivitamins now, so hopefully that will help my nails be better. Hopefully.

Welp, let me get this posted and out therez in the interwebz so you can all read it. 😉 Because I know you miss me when I don’t post when expected. Admit it. 😀

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5 Fandom Friday!

Refresher: 5 Fandom Friday is a weekly blogging prompt from the G+ blogging community Female Geek Bloggers where you list 5 things based off the prompt. There, simple and easy, right? Yes, yes, my precioussssss…. LOLZ!!!!

This week’s prompt: Things I Love About Halloween

Let us begin!

1. COSTUMES!!!!!!!!! I mean, I’m a cosplayer, so any chance I get to dress up in costumes is an awesome time for me. 😉 ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ When I worked at the sex store that I worked for for two years, the only time I was allowed to dress out of uniform was on Halloween, so I was always SUPER EXCITED for Halloween each year.
   
   (One year I was a gothic butterfly fairy, just for kicks, wasn’t working at this time, I don’t think…)

   
   (And then the LAST Halloween I ever worked at the sex store, I was again a gothic fairy… LOLZ!!! I really liked that spider necklace I am wearing in the pics, I got it from my work ironically, but one of the jewels in the eyes fell out, so I put it somewhere hoping to have it fixed and now have NO idea what I did with it… Sigh.)

2. BLACK CAT PROTECTION/AWARENESS!!!!! I love the people band together around this time of year to protect black cats from stupid people who seek to do stupid things to these beautiful animals. I find all cats beautiful, but seeing as I have a black and white cat myself, black cats hold a close spot to my heart because I would KILL someone for hurting my beloved Panda Bear.
3. PUMPKIN CARVING!!!!!!! Granted, I don’t actually get to DO this, like, EVER, but I always REALLY REALLY want to, and just love the idea of being able to do such cool things with pumpkin carving, like below pic:
   
4. DECORATING!!!!!!! Even though this is ANOTHER thing I don’t get to do, it’s something I look SO MUCH FORWARD to being able to do in the future. I’m hoping to at least decorate MY OWN ROOM next year, if not wherever I’m living (which time will only tell…), and it makes me REALLY excited to just think about it! I might start buying up stuff to do so once everything goes on sale after Halloween is over! I pinned a lot of stuff last night on Pinterest about Halloween decorating, specifically pumpkins, lol, but also some wreaths and stuff of that nature. 😉
5. MAKING LITTLE KIDS HAPPY!!!!!! There’s nothing sweeter than seeing the smile on a child’s face as you tell them “Happy Halloween” and listen to them say “Trick or Treat” and see their costumes and compliment then on them. Last year, I had two little girls do a little dance routine to a The Little Mermaid song (I think it was from The Little Mermaid?? My brain is dead…) as soon as I opened the door, and it was absolutely ADORABLE. I laughed and gave them as much candy as they wanted and thanked them for performing for me. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

 

And there you have it! My 5 Fandom Friday about the Things I Love About Halloween! Ta-da! Hope you enjoyed!

 

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#TBT

There won’t be a Things I Love Thursday this week.

I crashed hardcore from my mania/manic episode yesterday afternoon after the building up of emotional crap piling on top of me, and I just crumbled under the weight of it all. I just couldn’t deal. And then I saw my ex, and while that was a high for me, I came crashing down even harder after he departed…

So instead, something a little more…relaxing…

THROWBACK THURSDAY!!!!!!

There will, HOWEVER, be a NEW thing that I’m going to start doing every week, called Supernatural Saturdays!, where I vlog about that week’s episode of Supernatural and my review of it and my take on it and all that good stuffz. I’ll of course link it up here once I get that recorded. 😉

But onward to: THROWBACK THURSDAY!!!!

How’s THIS for a throwback? 😉

 

HELLZ YEAH! We’re talking about Pokemon cards today, baby! 😉 This is a MAJOR throwback to my childhood. I was SUPER into the Pokemon Trading Card Game, and even went to a local tournament night held at a local bookstore every Friday night, even though it was a drive for a my mother to have to make, but none-the-less, my sister and I still went, and we LOVED it! Below are two of the “badges” I earned for beating a certain amount of people or something, I can’t even remember, LOLZ!

And check out my decoration inside my binder, yo!

If I had found more Pokemon stickers, I would have put them in there too, and you can’t tell from the photo, because my phone was being a total BITCH today, but the stickers are shiny and shimmery. 😀

More shinies!

Two Pokemon discs of mine, an Evie one and a Meowth one! They too are MUCH shinier than the picture is showing. They are metallic, as are the stickers.

And part of what’s left of my “damage counter” marble-esque thingies, as they’re like marbles, but flat on the bottom. They are shiny and pretty as well. I used to have a lot of them, but alas, they have gotten lost over the years. 😥

What’s this? A Pokeball? I wonder what’s inside…

It’s a Polywhirl deck/accessories holder! It has a space for the discs I showed above and also for your “damage tokens” and other little things you want to put beneath your deck that you keep so preciously enclosed inside of it’s chamber.

What’s inside of mine you ask?

My Japanese Misty card deck! I spent a LOT of time trading and tediously trying to collect all these cards, so you can imagine how precious they were to me as a kid. Lol. I was all about the water Pokemon. I guess it might have to do with that fact that I’m a water sign, being a Pisces? I dunno. *shrugs* Either way, I loved the Misty cards and tried my damnedest to collect the Japanese versions of them. Sorry for the shitastic picture. My camera just REFUSED to focus for this one and I could NOT for the life of me figure out how to make it do it. *headdesk*

But, you say, what do you use to actually PLAY the game? What deck do you use then, Mandy? Why, I shall show you!

This is my mixed Grass and Water Type deck that I use to play against others. I don’t really REMEMBER how to play anymore, but none the less, I DO have a deck ready to go if I DO need to play, LOLZ!

I have a deep and abiding love for Evie and all of it’s forms. This was, of course, when there were only 3. LOLZ. Here is my Evie card collection.

I also have a few other metallic Evie cards and special Evie cards that were placed in different spots in the book, but I’m too lazy to post those pics, haha. I’m having a hard time focusing enough to even get this much done as it is! I’m just soooooo exhausted! Ugh! But I shall endure! And I shall finish!

This was some sort of little holographic Evie card thingie I have that turns into Jolteon in when you move it. Pretty cool, but extremely hard to photograph. 😛

This is the box in which I keep the deck with which I would play if I were still able to remember how to play and had anyone to play WITH. 😉 It’s also where I keep my “badges”, my hard card protector cases, and also another little gem…

My Mew figurine! I lovez it! It’s so cute!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

I also have a Vulpix tiny figurine that I keep in my Pokeball.

SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

 

And then, just for a little MORE of a “throwback”…

How about some Lara Croft: Tomb Raider cards from the card game? Yeah, I was big into the video games and then somehow ended up collecting the cards, though I never played one game using them and never understood how to play that particular card game anyway. Haha. 😛

And that’s my #TBT entry! Hope you all enjoyed!

Don’t forget about my giveaway! Givin’ away a Halloween scrapbooking gift set that I’ve put together! Check it, yo!

Halloween Scrapbooking Giveaway Celebrating One Month of Existence

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Winchester Wednesday!

 

Hell yeah!!!! A NEW EPISODE OF SUPERNATURAL TONIGHTZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dances*

 

Oh Jensen, you really ARE one sexy muthafucka… *sighs*

Speaking of SPN, I really took a stand with my father when he pretty much demanded I take off my anti possession symbol necklace because it was the “sign of Satan” and me wearing it was me “admonishing Satan” and being “the bride of Satan”. I told him I was NOT taking it off, very firmly. I pretty much screamed it at him. LOLZ! I’m pretty hardcore about my SPN (if you haven’t noticed by now…LOLZ!), and even though I was scared of my dad’s reaction, I couldn’t fight the love I have for the show and the cast in me to defend it and stand up for it. My father can suck it.

I can’t WAIT to see his reaction whenever he sees me after I get my SPN related tattoos, which have the pentagram in them as well. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Asshole…

Also, in “Supernatural” type related stuffz, I did a tarot reading for myself, in the Question-And-Answer Spread, and got a scarily accurate (as always), but kinda mixed message answer for my question. Like, there wasn’t really an answer. It just showed my fears of what could happen. Or maybe that was saying that was what would happen? I dunno. It was strange, but still, pretty damn accurate. My deck, even though it was one of those “starter sets” you get from Barnes & Noble that I got YEARS ago, is pretty powerful, and ALWAYS gives pretty damn accurate readings, even if I’m not the one giving the reading and someone else is using my deck to give someone else a reading or even to give me a reading. It can be a little spooky at times… Haha.

And, regarding my Seattle trip, I’m REALLY hoping to be able to fly out on March 13 and come back on March 28, which means I’ll be able to be there for both SeaCon AND Sakura Con! That would be splendiferous! But it just depends on if my friend Kayce, who is footing my traveling bill (bless her lovely soul), is cool with that timeline. She DID say she wanted me to come out for two weeks, and the 28th is only one day over two weeks. *shrugs* We’ll see what happens.

If I DO get to go to Sakura Con as well, I need to find pants for my Inuyasha cosplay, as well as shoes and glue on fingernails that are like claws and get a prescription for contacts and get prescription yellow contacts. Or, if I can’t get all that, I can just wear my Casual Femme Castiel Cosplay, because even though it’s not really anime/Japanese related, it’s still cosplay. *shrugs*

And because of all the undo stress in my life right now, and freaking out about shit, I’ve begun making lists…lots of lists…because that’s what I do when I get anxious… Yeah, I’m a freak, LOLZ!!! 😉

And I absolutely HATE when I can’t find things that I am looking for. It makes me VERY unhappy. Gggrrr….

I also hate when something I really really want/need is on sale, BUT the sale says it’s only going to last until the day BEFORE you’re able to actually PAY FOR THE SHIT, so it’ll go back up to being hella expensive again BEFORE YOU GET THE CHANCE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A REALLY REALLY GREAT DEAL!!!!!! *headdesk*

Oh!

Don’t forget about my giveaway guys! It’s for Halloween scrapbooking supplies, and scrapbooking is pretty geekily awesome! 😉 I’ve also now added 5 pieces of BLACK card stock, in addition to what is listed, PLUS the black spool of ribbon I also added previously. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Halloween Scrapbooking Giveaway Celebrating One Month of Existence

Transcendent and Traducing Tuesday

I am riding a high right now that is absolutely fantastic! I feel AMAZING!

Yesterday? I was a clusterfuck, a total and utter mess.

Today? I could careless if my ex ever contacts me again. I’m just fine without him in my life, because all he does is bring me pain and cause me hurt and I don’t need any more of that shit, because I have gotten ENOUGH of it from my father all my life, and he is NOTHING if not almost EXACTLY like my father, and FUCK THAT BULLSHIT. Plus, he treated me like shit during our relationship too, so WHY should I CONTINUE to let him TREAT ME LIKE CRAP even AFTER WE’VE BROKEN UP?! That’s just…stupid… I’ve been being stupid. And that stops NOW. Or well, at least until this ends.

Because I’m pretty sure this is a manic episode. A REAL episode. My “manic episodes” are usually just a lot of restlessness and extreme irritation and agitation and rage and anger and makes me have a trigger-hair temper and just be a bitch and very very emotional. But, on occasion, like after EXTREMELY traumatic or stressful events or days or whatever, I will have a full blown REAL manic episode. And I’m pretty sure that’s what is going on with me right now. Which SUPER sucks, because I don’t want this to end, and I know it will, and I’ll go back to being SUPER depressed and sorrowful and despondent and all that other crappy shit, and I don’t want that.

I want to feel like THIS for FOREVER. I want to feel STRONG and CONFIDENT and INDEPENDENT. I want to feel like I can take on the world and achieve my dreams. I want to have energy to do things and the motivation to do them. I want to feel…happy…for once… Is that so wrong??

It feels SO GOOD to feel GOOD. Yet I feel sad because I know it’s going to go away. I know I should just enjoy it while it lasts, but I know if I revel in it too much, it’s going to make the coming down from it THAT much harder for me. Sigh.

Bipolar is a bitch.

I really wish I could internalize this and remember it and believe it. But there’s that part of me that says that I too was an emotional abuser, so I can’t entirely blame him for his behavior. Which I KNOW is bullshit. Another part of me says, “Well, you are pretty sure he’s undiagnosed bipolar, and you expect to be forgiven for your actions because you were under the influence of YOUR bipolar, so you should be willing to forgive him too…” Yeah, except, I’ve been trying to get HELP for my illness this whole time… He has NOT. He won’t even ADMIT that he MIGHT have a problem, let alone that he DOES have a problem, or for crying out loud, an actual illness! Sigh.

It’s just SO HARD to turn this love I feel for him, this soul-deep, entwined around my inner being and my heart and life, love, off. I can’t just “let it go”. I can’t just “forget it”. I can’t just “get over it”. It’s so much a part of me it’s like I can’t live without it. It’s like the air I breathe. It’s like, without him, I am nothing. He was my entire fucking world. Since I was 16 years old. And I’m 27 now and we broke up 8 months after my 26 birthday. That’s practically my entire LIFE that I was enmeshed with him. For fuck’s sake, I’m STILL enmeshed with him!

A large part of me just wants to run away to Seattle and stay there for a while, but I’m scared of leaving my mom. I’m really close to her and she’s sick and my dad’s a fucking dick and abuses her like he does me and my sister, sometimes even worse, and I just feel like I can’t abandon her to that, not when she’s already suffering greatly physically and emotionally as it is. Sigh. I would feel selfish just taking off to escape my own problems.

I just kinda wish my ex WOULD never contact me again. Yeah, it would hurt, really badly, at first…but I would heal, and he wouldn’t be able to play with my heart and my emotions anymore. He’s been using me ever since April or May of this year, to get what HE wants out of me, but not giving me what I want from him, and that’s just not fair and not right and I don’t deserve to be abused even further by him. I’m so done with this shit. But I just can’t seem to say no to him when he asks to come see me, because being around him is like a drug for me, it makes me euphoric and happy and blissful, and then, when he’s gone, it’s like I go into withdrawal and just spiral into a pit of despair and sorrow and darkness.

This cycle has to end. I can’t keep doing this to myself. My heart and my soul just can’t take it anymore. It’s too much. Too fucking much. And I’ve got to stop it. We’ll just have to see if I can live up to those words.

I’m so scared of losing him that I can literally feel myself having a panic attack right now just at the thought of not having him in my life.

And then my father…

I just…

He won’t leave me the fuck alone about my wearing the anti possession symbol from Supernatural as a necklace. He keeps calling is the “sign of Satan” and saying that I’m “admonishing Satan” and that I’m being “the bride of Satan” just by wearing the necklace. And he keeps calling me EVERY.FUCKING.DAY. to harp on me about it. Even after he tried to act contrite after the first time he went off on me because he was screaming and yelling at me that time. He was afraid he had “pushed me over the edge”. And guess what? HE HAD. But has that stopped him from continuing to attack me about this? NOPE. He won’t listen to me when I try to tell him it’s JUST A FICTIONAL TV SHOW AND I’M JUST WEARING IT TO SUPPORT THE SHOW and he won’t listen to me when I try to tell him what it stands for IN THE SHOW. NOPE. It’s ALL about it being ALL ABOUT THE DEVIL, because GOD FORBID anything else be about anything other than what IT IS IN HIS MIND.

I can’t handle him anymore. He’s another reason I want to move to Seattle. I can’t deal with him. If I was in Seattle, I’d be away from him and wouldn’t have to deal with him. He’s just destroying me, like he’s been doing my entire life. The constant emotional abuse is just eroding my soul and my spirit and my sanity and I can barely function as it is.

Whatever mania was there, it’s gone for the moment thanks to my dad. He’s brought me back to my low point, though not quite so low, more just angry low and sad. Sad that he’s like this and can’t and won’t change and refuses to see that he is a major major problem and a destructive force in the lives of his family.

I just don’t know how to get away from him completely other than moving to Seattle. He pays for my phone right now (though he may be shutting it off today after our fight, who fucking knows, ugh), and he helps my mom pay for shit, so if I do something that upsets him, he takes it out on her, which is total and complete crap.

So I think I’ve made up my mind in regards to moving to Seattle, even before I go out there. I need to get away from here and I love Seattle and I love the people out there and so I’m just going to say “Fuck this shit” and move my ass out there, because seriously…FUCK.THIS.SHIT.

I’ve got to take care of myself first, because if I don’t, then no one else will.

The mania has returned. Yahz! And I’ve got to remember what Jared says, and even what my lovely lovely Jensen says as well…

ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING!!!!!

Gratitudal Tuesday

Yesterday was…difficult…but let’s not talk about it, mm’kay? K.

For those of you who forgot, I’m taking part in InkTober this month. As a refresher:

 

31 Days 31 Drawings

Every October, artists all over the world take on the InkTober drawing challenge by doing one ink drawing a day the entire month. I created InkTober in 2009 as a challenge to improve my inking skills and develop positive drawing habits. It has since grown into a worldwide endeavor with thousands of artists taking on the challenge every year.

Anyone can do InkTober, just pick up a pen and start drawing.

InkTober rules:

1) Make a drawing in ink (you can do a pencil under-drawing if you want).

2) Post it on your blog (or tumblr, instagram, twitter, facebook, flickr, Pinterest or just pin it on your wall.)

3) Hashtag it with #inktober

4) Repeat

Note: you can do it daily, or go the half-marathon route and post every other day, or just do the 5K and post once a week. What ever you decide, just be consistent with it. INKtober is about growing and improving and forming positive habits, so the more you’re consistent the better.

That’s it! Now go make something beautiful.

Source: http://mrjakeparker.com/inktober

 

Now, I know I promised to TRY and update once a WEEK, but that ain’t gonna happen. I’m going to try to do ONE drawing for this whole MONTH. Lol. But I’ve already got the picture for reference that I want to draw all printed out and ready for me to begin sketching and now I just have to actually start on it, so that’ll be happening soon, I promise-ish. 😉

And I wanted to share with you my Gratitude Journal, that I talked about recently. It’s a 5 Year Journal that has five spaces for every day of the year, with a page for every day of the year, and blank for the year so you can write it in, and you just write in the space allowed what you are grateful for on that day and you do that for five years.

Now, I started doing mine in 2014, but then life happened and my life went to shit when my fiance left me, so I kinda just quit writing in it in August of 2014, so I decided that I would pick back up in 2015 where I left off in 2014, and start writing what I was grateful for again starting on the date I left off on in 2014 and just keep going for 2015. Haha. So it’s kinda like a 6 Year Journal now! 😉

Here are some pics of it:

(Front)

 

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(Back)

 

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(Side)

 

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(Inside, sorry this pics turned out crappy, for some reason my camera on my phone wouldn’t focus very well on the pages when I tried to take the pics, sigh)

 

 

So that’s my journal. I try to keep up with it. I keep up with my day by writing in an Google doc my feelings and stuff, like it’s a diary page, and sometimes I’ll go back and look over what I wrote in order to remember what I was “grateful” for on certain days if I skip a few or something. Heh.

I got my Gratitude Journal from Barnes and Noble for like, $5 or cheaper, because it was in the bargain bin and it was like one of the last ones left and I was like, “This is so fucking awesome! I can’t believe it’s on sale like this!”, and so I just had to buy it. 😉 I think I bought it back in 2013, but waited until the beginning of 2014 to start using it, so I could start in January, haha.

This journal really helps me keep in mind the things I have to be positive about, instead of always focusing on the negative, which is a nice change of pace from the usual I deal with inside my crazy head. 😛 Heh.

So what are you grateful for? Today? Yesterday? This past week? This past month? This past year? 😉

Oh! And don’t forget that I’m giving shit away! That’s right, you can win a Halloween scrapbooking prize-pack! I’ve added a spool of unopened black ribbon (it says for beading, but I use the one I have for scrapbooking, lol, whatev) to the prize, so yah!

Here’s the link for the giveaway:

Halloween Scrapbooking Giveaway Celebrating One Month of Existence

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One Year, One Month, One Giveaway

The 12th of (most) months for some reason just seems to hate me.

The 12th of February is 2 days before Valentine’s Day, a day which symbolize love and was special for me and my ex and now is just a slap in the face because we’re no longer together so no longer celebrate that day.

The 12th of March is one day before our anniversary. This coming year would have been 12 years together. He couldn’t even remember that when I asked him recently. He thought it would have only been 10 years. I was just…yeah…no words. Hurt is the best way to put it, I guess. More like broken, really. But this year on the 13th, I’ve been travelling to Seattle, to spend two weeks away from my hometown (and him) and hopefully seeing Jensen Ackles and the rest of the SPN cast and basking in SPN glory at SeaCon, and in the love of dear dear friends, at the very least, which is much needed.

The 12th of April is 5 days before the anniversary of the passing of my grandfather…and of the first time I ever went to see a psychiatrist. I was in my first psychiatrist’s office talking to him when I got a text from my sister from the hospital right across the parking lot where my family was with my grandfather telling me that he has passed away. That’s just…yeah…

The 12th of June is 4 days before my father’s birthday and I have a VERY complicated relationship with my father, so that time of year, and especially right around his birthday, is always fraught with tension and stress and all sorts of complex feelings and emotions. Sigh.

The 12th of July…4 days after the day we became engaged. 4 days after the anniversary of when my mother’s parents were married. Which is why it was so special that he proposed to me on that day. It was the same year my grandfather passed, so it was the first anniversary my grandparents were getting to spend together again, and he proposed to me on that day without even knowing, without MY even knowing. Now…it just breaks my heart.

The 12th of August is 3 days before the birthday of the cat that was once also my baby, Ginger, who now lives solely with Eric. He originally was Eric’s sister’s cat, but she couldn’t take care of him once she got pregnant and then married, so we took him on so she wouldn’t have to take him to the shelter, and he became one of our babies, though him and Mango never truly got along. Mango’s just a dick. But I miss Gingy… A lot…

The 12th of September is 5 days after my ex-best friend’s birthday. I can’t lie, I miss her a lot. We were friends since the 6th grade. And her just cutting me out of her and her child’s life like she did was just unspeakably hurtful. But what can ya do? *shrugs*

The 12th of October…Well, that’s this month and that’s the break-up anniversary. That should be enough said.

The 12th of November is the day before the shared birthday of my mother and my ex. I hate not getting to spend his birthday’s with him or even see him on his birthday’s, because he’s always with his family, and “no one can know” that we’re still talking, much less “seeing” each other. Sigh.

The 12th of December is 8 days before my parents’ anniversary, and God knows that brings up a TON of mixed emotions, because, I mean, if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t BE HERE, but then again, my mom would probably not be getting abused and be in the horrible horrible relationship she’s in if she was with someone else who actually gave a damn about her feelings instead of just his own.

 

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So to take my mind off of what October 12th “symbolizes”, I’ve decided to concentrate on the positive of what it “symbolizes”, in that it’s been one full month since I started this blog!

To celebrate, I’ve decided to do something nice for you, my readers, and give away some stuff to help you commemorate your Halloween this year: scrapbooking supplies! 5 pages of thick orange card stock, 6 Happy Halloween/Trick or Treat! stickers, 5 3D glittery spider stickers, and 3 wooden Halloween related stamps (RIP, TRICK OR TREAT, get Ghoulish!)!

(Orange Card Stock and the Stickers in a Plastic Sleeve)

(The 3 Stamps)

You can enter below. I hope this works out the way it’s supposed to, being that this is my first giveaway and all, lol!

Halloween Scrapbooking Giveaway Celebrating One Month of Existence

Good luck to one and all! This runs through the 26th. I think all you have to do is click on the link and then follow the directions. 😉

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