Transcendent and Traducing Tuesday

I am riding a high right now that is absolutely fantastic! I feel AMAZING!

Yesterday? I was a clusterfuck, a total and utter mess.

Today? I could careless if my ex ever contacts me again. I’m just fine without him in my life, because all he does is bring me pain and cause me hurt and I don’t need any more of that shit, because I have gotten ENOUGH of it from my father all my life, and he is NOTHING if not almost EXACTLY like my father, and FUCK THAT BULLSHIT. Plus, he treated me like shit during our relationship too, so WHY should I CONTINUE to let him TREAT ME LIKE CRAP even AFTER WE’VE BROKEN UP?! That’s just…stupid… I’ve been being stupid. And that stops NOW. Or well, at least until this ends.

Because I’m pretty sure this is a manic episode. A REAL episode. My “manic episodes” are usually just a lot of restlessness and extreme irritation and agitation and rage and anger and makes me have a trigger-hair temper and just be a bitch and very very emotional. But, on occasion, like after EXTREMELY traumatic or stressful events or days or whatever, I will have a full blown REAL manic episode. And I’m pretty sure that’s what is going on with me right now. Which SUPER sucks, because I don’t want this to end, and I know it will, and I’ll go back to being SUPER depressed and sorrowful and despondent and all that other crappy shit, and I don’t want that.

I want to feel like THIS for FOREVER. I want to feel STRONG and CONFIDENT and INDEPENDENT. I want to feel like I can take on the world and achieve my dreams. I want to have energy to do things and the motivation to do them. I want to feel…happy…for once… Is that so wrong??

It feels SO GOOD to feel GOOD. Yet I feel sad because I know it’s going to go away. I know I should just enjoy it while it lasts, but I know if I revel in it too much, it’s going to make the coming down from it THAT much harder for me. Sigh.

Bipolar is a bitch.

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I really wish I could internalize this and remember it and believe it. But there’s that part of me that says that I too was an emotional abuser, so I can’t entirely blame him for his behavior. Which I KNOW is bullshit. Another part of me says, “Well, you are pretty sure he’s undiagnosed bipolar, and you expect to be forgiven for your actions because you were under the influence of YOUR bipolar, so you should be willing to forgive him too…” Yeah, except, I’ve been trying to get HELP for my illness this whole time… He has NOT. He won’t even ADMIT that he MIGHT have a problem, let alone that he DOES have a problem, or for crying out loud, an actual illness! Sigh.

It’s just SO HARD to turn this love I feel for him, this soul-deep, entwined around my inner being and my heart and life, love, off. I can’t just “let it go”. I can’t just “forget it”. I can’t just “get over it”. It’s so much a part of me it’s like I can’t live without it. It’s like the air I breathe. It’s like, without him, I am nothing. He was my entire fucking world. Since I was 16 years old. And I’m 27 now and we broke up 8 months after my 26 birthday. That’s practically my entire LIFE that I was enmeshed with him. For fuck’s sake, I’m STILL enmeshed with him!

A large part of me just wants to run away to Seattle and stay there for a while, but I’m scared of leaving my mom. I’m really close to her and she’s sick and my dad’s a fucking dick and abuses her like he does me and my sister, sometimes even worse, and I just feel like I can’t abandon her to that, not when she’s already suffering greatly physically and emotionally as it is. Sigh. I would feel selfish just taking off to escape my own problems. :/

I just kinda wish my ex WOULD never contact me again. Yeah, it would hurt, really badly, at first…but I would heal, and he wouldn’t be able to play with my heart and my emotions anymore. He’s been using me ever since April or May of this year, to get what HE wants out of me, but not giving me what I want from him, and that’s just not fair and not right and I don’t deserve to be abused even further by him. I’m so done with this shit. But I just can’t seem to say no to him when he asks to come see me, because being around him is like a drug for me, it makes me euphoric and happy and blissful, and then, when he’s gone, it’s like I go into withdrawal and just spiral into a pit of despair and sorrow and darkness.

This cycle has to end. I can’t keep doing this to myself. My heart and my soul just can’t take it anymore. It’s too much. Too fucking much. And I’ve got to stop it. We’ll just have to see if I can live up to those words.

I’m so scared of losing him that I can literally feel myself having a panic attack right now just at the thought of not having him in my life.

And then my father…

I just…

He won’t leave me the fuck alone about my wearing the anti possession symbol from Supernatural as a necklace. He keeps calling is the “sign of Satan” and saying that I’m “admonishing Satan” and that I’m being “the bride of Satan” just by wearing the necklace. And he keeps calling me EVERY.FUCKING.DAY. to harp on me about it. Even after he tried to act contrite after the first time he went off on me because he was screaming and yelling at me that time. He was afraid he had “pushed me over the edge”. And guess what? HE HAD. But has that stopped him from continuing to attack me about this? NOPE. He won’t listen to me when I try to tell him it’s JUST A FICTIONAL TV SHOW AND I’M JUST WEARING IT TO SUPPORT THE SHOW and he won’t listen to me when I try to tell him what it stands for IN THE SHOW. NOPE. It’s ALL about it being ALL ABOUT THE DEVIL, because GOD FORBID anything else be about anything other than what IT IS IN HIS MIND.

I can’t handle him anymore. He’s another reason I want to move to Seattle. I can’t deal with him. If I was in Seattle, I’d be away from him and wouldn’t have to deal with him. He’s just destroying me, like he’s been doing my entire life. The constant emotional abuse is just eroding my soul and my spirit and my sanity and I can barely function as it is.

Whatever mania was there, it’s gone for the moment thanks to my dad. He’s brought me back to my low point, though not quite so low, more just angry low and sad. Sad that he’s like this and can’t and won’t change and refuses to see that he is a major major problem and a destructive force in the lives of his family.

I just don’t know how to get away from him completely other than moving to Seattle. He pays for my phone right now (though he may be shutting it off today after our fight, who fucking knows, ugh), and he helps my mom pay for shit, so if I do something that upsets him, he takes it out on her, which is total and complete crap.

So I think I’ve made up my mind in regards to moving to Seattle, even before I go out there. I need to get away from here and I love Seattle and I love the people out there and so I’m just going to say “Fuck this shit” and move my ass out there, because seriously…FUCK.THIS.SHIT.

I’ve got to take care of myself first, because if I don’t, then no one else will.

The mania has returned. Yahz! And I’ve got to remember what Jared says, and even what my lovely lovely Jensen says as well…

ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING!!!!!

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