I Fell…Face Forward…Into Fall (Like a Brick Wall)

Holy Mary, Mother of God…

I am SO FUCKING STUPID!!! I thought today was Thursday, so I went and made my Things I Love Thursday post and even went so far as to posting it before Kimi, bless her heart and thank GOD, reminded me that today is WEDNESDAY. *headdesk* I just…I can’t even… Ugh.

Fibromyalgia has me all out of fucking whack. I can’t think, can’t keep anything straight, can’t concentrate, can’t focus, can barely do anything for more than a few minutes without not wanting to do it anymore and just stopping. It’s like everything is just too overwhelming for me, even the simplest of things. Wtf, man? Seriously!

But, today is the FIRST DAY OF FALL/AUTUMN! And it’s after noon here and it’s 77 degrees outside! That’s cool weather for South Carolina! Lol! πŸ˜‰

It’s starting to slowly warm up, though. I have an app on my phone, from the local news station, that tells me the temperature of the city that I live in. Lol. So that’s how I keep tabs on it. πŸ˜‰ Just as an fyi. πŸ˜‰

I’m soooooo excited about the artwork I’m having done! I have another artist, another geek girl blogger friend Kayly, drawing me up another picture of Dean using colored pencils and markers, a new technique she is trying out, and it’s based off another piece of Dean artwork she’s done in the past that I really really like. ❀ You (meaning ME) can never have too many pictures of Jensen Ackles, either drawn or taken in real life or saved on your computer from various sources… I swear I’m not a stalker! *crosses fingers behind back* πŸ˜‰ Haha!

It’s a little blurry because I had to crop it from a collage, but this is the picture I was talking about that I fell in love with of Kayly’s! Isn’t she SO TALENTED?! SHE’S BOMB ASS!!!!!! I can’t WAIT to see what she comes up with for my piece!!! ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀

I’m so impatient though. It’s HARD to wait for things you really want. *whines* Or, as my mother likes to say, “Would you like some cheese with that whine?” Haha.

My mom is freakin’ hilarious. She’s an excellent fly killer and will literally go on a fly hunt to track down flies in the house to murder them with her swatter. She stalks them and pounces on them. It’s so funny. And she was saying yesterday that they were “taunting” her because she couldn’t catch them. But she got them in the end. Lol. Also, she gets pissy with me when I say the word “fuck” or any variation of it, but when she gets angry or frustrated, she lets the f word flow so freely, it’s as if I myself were speaking. Lol. She cracks me up. I loves her. ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀

Saw my ex this morning…and it was basically a booty call, at least for him. But damn…it was an AMAZING booty call. Lol. I’ll just leave it at that. If you want to read a little more about it in explicit details you can head over to Sex & The Holy City. πŸ˜‰

I just love him so much and I’m not ready to let him go. I’m not sure I’ll EVER be ready to let him go. The thought of losing him is enough to drive me to the point of a mental breakdown. 😦 I can’t handle the thought of losing him. I can’t handle the thought of life without him. He was my world. And without your world, you cease to exist. I need him. I hate saying that, but it’s true. He’s like my drug, my addiction. I adore him so much. Every little quirk of his, every little thing he does…I feel butterflies and giddiness over it. When he holds my hand, my belly flutters. When he kisses me, my heart sings. When he’s near me, I feel more at peace and more calm. He gives me purpose, he gives me a reason to be.

I’m a lovesick fool, I know. It’s more like heartsick. And heartbroken. I know he doesn’t want a future with me. But I want to prove to him that he can trust me with his heart and his love again, and that I won’t hurt him again. Yet at the same time, he’s not doing that same thing for ME. He’s not doing anything to prove to ME that he won’t hurt ME again or abuse ME again. Hell, he’s abusing me NOW.

Rational has never won over emotional in me though. Emotional always wins. And emotional is still in love with the broken boy who refuses to admit he’s broken and take steps to fix himself and try to prove to ME that he’s become a better person so that I won’t end up in this position AGAIN. But who’s to say that I’ll ever even get out of this position when it comes to him? This may be my permanent position with him forever. And that really strikes me to my core. It feels like a knife to the heart, slicing right through my soul. Sigh.

Okay, I’m done being weighty. I think I’ve vented enough.

Ugh, now I’m all emotional. I’m gonna go sulk in bed and cry until I pass out and hopefully wake up feeling better.

Peace.

❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “I Fell…Face Forward…Into Fall (Like a Brick Wall)

    • thetrueufo says:

      Her and I have been communicating back and forth for a little while now, even before asking her to draw me up a pic of Dean, and she really is very sweet. πŸ™‚ And her artist is just breath-taking. I’m sooooo excited to see what she does for me!! ❀ ❀ ❀

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s