Viens, mon beau chat, sur mon coeur amoureux;
Retiens les griffes de ta patte,
Et laisse-moi plonger dans tes beaux yeux,
Mêlés de métal et d’agate.
Lorsque mes doigts caressent à loisir
Ta tête et ton dos élastique,
Et que ma main s’enivre du plaisir
De palper ton corps électrique,
Je vois ma femme en esprit. Son regard,
Comme le tien, aimable bête
Profond et froid, coupe et fend comme un dard,
Et, des pieds jusques à la tête,
Un air subtil, un dangereux parfum
Nagent autour de son corps brun.
— Charles Baudelaire
Come, superb cat, to my amorous heart;
Hold back the talons of your paws,
Let me gaze into your beautiful eyes
Of metal and agate.
When my fingers leisurely caress you,
Your head and your elastic back,
And when my hand tingles with the pleasure
Of feeling your electric body,
In spirit I see my woman. Her gaze
Like your own, amiable beast,
Profound and cold, cuts and cleaves like a dart,
And, from her head down to her feet,
A subtle air, a dangerous perfume
Floats about her dusky body.
— William Aggeler, The Flowers of Evil (Fresno, CA: Academy Library Guild, 1954)
I like this poem, that I just found today, when I was trying to find the correct way of saying “my cat” in French because I wasn’t sure if the adjective “my” was feminine or masculine dependent on the sex of the cat or the speaker. Haha. That was a more complicated sentence than I expected it to be. 😛
In my version, though, I would replace “woman” with “man”. And apply this towards my ex. My cat WAS, after all, HIS cat TOO at one point. So of course my cat WOULD be like his “father” in some ways. Lol.
But my ex IS dangerous for me. He has too much power over me, too much of an ability to hurt me, but even if we were separated completely, he would still be able to hurt me JUST as much. Sigh. But he says he can’t trust anyone with his heart anymore because I hurt him too much and broke him. I feel the same way about him. Blah.
We can’t keep going on like we are, though. He’s just using me for sex and I’m just pining for him and getting more and more hurt because of the love I hold for him still. I want him to love me again. To want a future with me. To want to spend the rest of his life with me. To want me to be the mother of his children, his life partner, his wife. But he doesn’t want any of that. And that’s absolutely devastating. 😥
I just…don’t know how to let him go. I DON’T WANT to let him go… I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t want to imagine my life without him. I don’t want to LIVE my life WITHOUT HIM. 😦 Without him, there is no LIFE for me…or at least that’s how it feels. I mean, we WERE together for over 10 years and WERE each other’s first everythings…
I miss him. A lot. Like, all the time. But I missed him when we were in a relationship too. I often felt alone, even though I technically “had” him. It just didn’t “feel” like it. He never really felt “invested” in “us”. Sigh.
I know I deserve better. But honestly? I don’t want “better” with someone else, I want “better” with HIM. 😦
I’m just sad. So very sad. Here’s a poem I wrote, years ago, that still applies today (and has applied basically all my life, unfortunately, sigh):
Cocooned within myself
A prison I cannot escape
Impregnable walls cast off hope
And demons fend off would-be heroes
Darkness is my home
Because therein lies my heart
Trapped beneath a veil of sorrow
Despair, the chains that bind
For eras I have withered
Unmoving in this great divide
And I tremble at the thought
Of redemption’s possibility
But that unimaginable release
From the toils that lay heavily
Salvation that I ache and yearn for
Denied to this damned soul
This eternal Hell
Haunts all of my existence
Freedom only reigns
When death extracts my weary load
I thankfully get to see my therapist today, for the first time in months. But I had a really disturbing dream last night that has left me unsettled and it involved my therapist rejecting me and being cruel to me. Sigh. I’ve been having disturbing and upsetting dreams for a little while now. I’m not sure what really brought them on or what. I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I found out the guy who molested me at the age of 16 (we were both 16) has transitioned into being a woman and that really threw me for a loop and confused me and messed with my head and left me feeling strange in all sorts of ways that I can’t even begin to explain. Blah.
Yeah…my life has been nothing but fucked up drama all my life…
Well, I’m going to end this here for now. I just needed to get some of that off my chest by writing it out, and I thought I would share some of my inner workings with y’all. Hope no one was too frightened by my intensity.
Much love to all!
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤